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Tuesday, 01 September 2009

The Descolada

I have never felt like such a failure in my life.

And I can't understand why I'm so upset about the whole situation. I don't value my advisor; she's an epic fail in advising. But her words stung.

I was so excited to fill out my graduation application. I mean really, after all these years and detours and mistakes, I'm finally graduating. So naturally, I'd be excited to graduate. But now, I don't even feel like I deserve to just because of that one class.

Did she really have to be so derisive about it? I guess I'm too damn sensitive.

And I know I'm stronger than this. I shouldn't be as upset about it as I am now. Maybe it's the descolada telling me to cry my heart out.

Tuesday, 30 June 2009

Here's to You

Here's a few things I'd like to tell you:

(1) You were a good friend for me. In the sense that I know you do not/cannot judge me for anything bad I've done because you've done worse... and frankly, you like it when others are miserable, so you like hearing about it. So maybe it wasn't good after all, since it encouraged me to be miserable with my life.

(2) I often tried to understand you and your psychology because I always tried to be open minded.... but honestly, you're fucked up in the head.

(3) Damn, you taught me a lot of things. Such as: people will bite the hand that feeds them, don't trust the people who are nice to certain people and mean and bitchy to other people, and that even the most privileged cannot stand others getting a break.

(4) The most important and handy one of all which I use day to day: Don't go by the saying "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me"... Fool me once and it's over, bitch. Think I'm going to sit around and wait for a second round? You must be stupid.

Anyways, after the long talk with FobHu about things since decade-past (a lot of fill-in-the-blanks), I've come to realize, you are no good to anybody... you only bring them down. Lucky you I was so damn tolerant. It's been a while, and I'm still over it, but if you keep trying to start shit, know that I'm not angry nor do I care, but I will bring you down and laugh nonchalantly while doing it, you selfish, stupid fuck. You know me well enough to know that I'm bright enough to fuck you over without the help of other people. (Messed up TV? Short circuit, baby. BF left you after I convinced him to stay with you? Why should I let you reap the rewards of my freezing ass in the cold for 2 hours and missing work?) If you try to mess with The BF, I will have the IRS fuck up your family and their money laundering business. Shouldn't have shared that information with me. Don't think about it, you conniving moron.

Really, this isn't a hate letter. I'm just purging. You ought to seek therapy.

This is my therapy. This is my goodbye. I hope you lead your life however you choose; I want no part in it.

And... DONE

*****

It was an important lesson I learned, about not letting people fool me at least once. I'm the Devil's advocate... I look at both sides already. So if something doesn't sit right, then it isn't. I'll still be nice, because that's just how I am, but don't think you can take me for a ride. It's gonna backfire on you. (Ex: WannabeSMA. Another story another day.)

I'm happy. I'm content.

Monday, 25 May 2009

Up yours

Ha ha.

I win.

Tuesday, 05 May 2009

You complete me

That memorable line from Jerry Maguire kills. It's ridiculous and harbors the idea that people are incomplete and need to be completed by someone else. Well, sorry to break it to ya, but it's all in your mind. Get out of the "woe-is-me" mentality that has been plaguing your life since you received your first boo-boo.

And because there are people who follow the idea of being incomplete, it is possible to narrow down love personalities. Most people (read: not all) fall into one of two categories: complete and incomplete. The complete ones are the ones that are happy with themselves, who generally enjoys life and seek a companion to share experiences with. The incomplete ones aren't happy with themselves and either admit it or believe that they are and are looking for someone to build their esteem. (Aren't these mind games terrible?)

// I can say that because my name is i_only_rock and I am an incomplete person. Or at least I conditioned myself into thinking that. But that's not to say I don't recognize that I could fall into the category of being complete if I wanted to be. Go figure.

There are often times more incomplete people than there are complete people. That's because misery is a disease and of course, misery loves company. The incomplete ones infect some complete ones because the complete ones aren't aware of this distinction. Being happy-go-lucky can be blinding.

At any rate, I've been bombarded with phone calls as of late, usually with the person on the other end crying or desolate. (The price of being "the-friend-with-the-waterproof-shoulders") And I had to keep bringing this up, either iterating the fact that the friend is a complete person and to not let the shallow emotional wound of a break-up with an incomplete person turn her into one as well, or using the tough love method to tell the person that she is an incomplete person and to stop focusing on relationships so much that the rest of her life takes a back seat to finding "love".

I know, it's wrong to generalize the public like so, but when you're on the phone with an emotional, and at times, irrational friend, the best thing to do is simplify things into categories and analogies. Of course, it was spot on in these particular situations, but there are always exceptions, like a 40-year-old virgin trying to find love.

But I can feel myself beginning to digress, so I'll just stop here.

Sunday, 26 April 2009

Worst Weekend Ever

This has been one of the worst weekends I've experienced in a while. And it totally trumps the psychotic-mama's-boy-period.

It started on Friday. As usual, I was cranky from lack of sleep. I lacked the energy to try to look presentable. I ran some errands with The BF, which included shopping for a birthday gift for the BFF. As we walked back to my car, something caught my eye.

Could that be? Is it really? No way, but the resemblance was uncanny.

I veered off course towards the opposite direction. The shorter of the two stood upright and I stood 5 feet away, face to face with her. The taller one turned around as well, and I received the shock of my life.

It was The Ex's mom and sister. The same mom and sister that treated me like a daughter and sister. The same mom and sister that took me in and had influenced my life in such a beautiful way. The same mom and sister of The Ex that broke my heart 8 years ago. The Ex that was "the first love of my life".

The mom, in her usual candid mom-ish way, exclaimed, "Is that [me]? Wow! You got huge!"

And the sister admonished the mom, telling her to not say that because it wasn't true and turned to me, gave me this fleeting look and hugged me.

We chatted for a short while, and I introduced The BF. I quickly said goodbye and left.

I grew quiet and The BF quietly acknowledged that they must have been the family of an ex, but which one. I quickly told him that it was just an ex from about a decade ago.

But it hurt. Memories came flooding in. The fleeting look that the sister gave me was one of understanding, of love, and of sorrow. She really loved me and wanted me to be a part of the family. She adopted me as a sister early on and despite the large age difference, always took time out to hang out with me. I don't want to be with The Ex, but I sorely wanted to be a part of this family that taught me how to be a part of a family, how familial love works. It is because of them that I talk to my own family now, that I didn't just excommunicated myself from my family.

And because it was the BFF's birthday and she was going through her own "ex" problems, I couldn't spew all these feelings I had out. I couldn't talk to The BF and I couldn't talk to BFF.

I know I've put on a lot of weight, but I honestly didn't believe it was that bad. I started feeling self conscious but shrugged it off and partied like a rock star. That was spoiled at the end of the night by THE WORST WINGMAN EVER, but that will be saved for another blog entry.

So tonight, BFF and I decided that we were going to celebrate Birthday Party, Round 2 tonight. But at the club, we saw Jessica at the club. The bitch had the gall to stop The BF to say hi and try to chat him up. And the part that really irked me was that he actually acknowledged her and chatted with her. Despite everything that had been said and done. BFF had to calm me down from wanting to throw down again.

Then a long time friend that I haven't seen a while also asked me, "Hey, have you gained some weight?" (Honestly, boys just don't know when to shut up.) He realized his mistake quickly and covered by saying, "Oh, but you still look good, it's just a few pounds." Ugh.

And THEN, after the happy/ridiculous night that I was having, a guy friend of the above longtime friend was brave enough to state, "Girls are just not that smart." I actually did not take offense to that and got into a good debate with him about that. Once he bragged about being an engineer, and how he only sees about 3 girls in those classes, I had to put him in his place. All in good fun. But The BF and other guy friends got really offended and questioned why I wasn't, so that got another not-so-good debate.

As I sit here right now typing this out, it really doesn't sound all too bad. But things just roll over. I'm struggling to keep my peace with things, but I just feel like I'm being tested left and right. And honestly, I'm not strong enough to deal. On the outside, I'm fine. But on the inside, the volcano is bubbling and it's only a matter of time before it erupts. I don't even want to around myself when it happens.